Climate change is causing sea levels to rise, species to go extinct, and widespread water scarcity and food insecurity. Scientists claim that these changes are being greatly accelerated by human activity and pollution. These evidence-based claims can make us feel insignificant and fill our lives with existential dread. Luckily, it does not have to be this way. Ignorance is bliss and there is no better time to put those words into action.
Climate change denial is a free, proactive solution for the guilt and misery caused by your disregard for others wellbeing. No longer will you have to worry that your extra-long shower is causing children to die of thirst in Eritrea. No more feeling bad about throwing out an old pair of shoes. The image of that four-year old pair of sneakers bobbing in the South Pacific erased from your conscious. Could you have gotten more use out of them? Of course, but your feet deserve better. Imagine a carefree existence where you can be a light unto the universe instead of a dirty, polluting, egotistical monster.
All this may sound too good to be true, but climate change denial is surprisingly simple. All you must do is pretend that climate change does not exist and offer vague, non-specific counter evidence when questioned. Humans did not cause the Ice Age. The full impact of global warming will not be felt for another two or three decades. At that point you will be too rich to care. Why worry now about things that will not affect you in the future? You matter. You are important. You deserve not to be burdened with other people’s problems.
Take charge of your life and deny man-made climate change. It is out of your control. A little push against science will not hurt you. A few hundred million people dying might just be the perfect solution to human overpopulation. I beg you to please pretend that your personal well-being is more important than everyone else. Consume to your hearts content or you will drown in a nightmarish bin of unnecessary asceticism.