MINSK, BY – In a classy and appropriate move, Belarus President Alyaksandr Lukashenka has announced that Big L’s 1995 rap song Da Graveyard has replaced My Belarusy as the country’s national anthem. The embattled politician had begun considering a new song following a violent crackdown of anti-government protests questioning the validity of the past presidential election. Lukashenka felt that a new anthem was needed that could capture how “hard and pimp” his nation really is. My Belarusy’s message of peace and friendship completely ignored how corrupt, dangerous, and totally badass Belarus really is.
Several more traditional Belarusian songs were considered until Da Graveyard came onto the president’s Spotify daily mix and he heard the lyric “I’m killin’ infants for ten cents cause I’m a street genius with a unique penis”. He knew this was the anthem of his people. After nearly nine months of protests Lukashenka had almost forgotten the joy of rounding up and torturing dissidents. “Da Graveyard reminded me of how cool guns and violence really are. It’s really helped me enjoy the little things” the president said in an interview with state media. He went on to explain that those little things included tear gassing protestors and bopping their grandmothers over the head with traffic cones. Opposition leader Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya has stated that Lukashenka’s supposed lust for violence is just an act. She claims that he made Da Graveyard the new national anthem so that he could get away with saying the N-word.