CARLISLE PA – This past Tuesday, Fifty-six-year-old Thomas Turner was using the restroom at the Nordstrom distribution center where he is employed. During his time on the throne, he began to defecate loudly and painfully. Unbeknownst to Mr. Turner, pop music sensation Taylor Swift was in the next stall. While Tom’s only focus was making it through his daily bout with his ulcerative colitis, he was unknowingly ruining his romantic prospects with the thirty-one-year-old ten-time Grammy award winner. Each of the man’s soft moans were followed by inexplicably wimpy plops as he failed to discharge any meaningful amount of stool. Had he known that Ms. Swift would be listening in from the next stall over, Tom surely would have timed his break differently.
Tom’s daily bowel movement generally served as the low point of his day, but Tuesday was different. Prior to taking his kids to the pool, he had overheard his supervisor discussing the potential employees of the month and his name had come up. If he could only find a way to keep his bathroom break short, he could keep his productivity high enough to secure the award. Things were looking up for Mr. Thomas Turner. If Tom had only realized that the white shoes in the stall to his right belonged to his potential love interest Taylor Swift, he would have deservedly fallen into a deep and everlasting depression. Fortunately for Tom, he instead continued on with his life in ignorant, undeserving bliss.