SANTIAGO, CL – On a recent expedition to the southern tip of South America, University of Chile professor Dr. Martin Perez made a shocking discovery. The divisional land border that was supposed to connect with Antarctica and separate the Atlantic and Pacific oceans was nowhere to be find. When he tried to discuss the disappearance with the locals, they had no idea what he was talking about. Perez documented his findings and reported them to his colleagues at The Oceanography Society. An international commission was formed, and scientists were dispatched to investigate the status of oceanic land borders across the globe.
No land borders could be found. The only conclusion was that all the world’s oceans are just one giant super ocean. The oceanographers were baffled, how could something so fundamental as the nature of Earth’s largest bodies of water remain so foreign to them. They followed a trail of past research on the topic and uncovered a worldwide conspiracy started in 2009 by then 14-year-old Kylar Shaw of Bardstown Kentucky. Shaw had created several Facebook statuses giving names to the various areas of the world’s ocean. He also posted a map that had been augmented with commercial photo editing software and contained fictional strips of land between these areas. These statuses were seen by Dr. Hans Nootsac of the University of Kentucky. Despite being an expert in his field, Hans had little knowledge of the internet and took the statuses as scientific fact. He included the map in his textbook Water and Its Many Uses which became standard reading for all those who vow allegiance to the majesty of the seas and the myth was perpetuated from there.
The Oceanography Society published their report in the March edition of their own journal. The report unveiled the existence of the super ocean which they named God’s Urinal. Publication of the report did not come without controversy. Dr. Perez said he has been threatened with lawsuits from several trucking and land freighter companies who feel challenged by the possibility of global nautical transport. A spokesperson for GTO Freighter Co. said that “GTO disputes the findings of Dr. Perez. These ocean land borders exist, and we are tasked with shipping freight across them on our land freighters every day. We will be challenging these claims in court”. GTO’s fleet of massive land freighters were last seen a Denny’s parking lot in Galveston Texas.