SHATTERFORD, UK – This past Sunday, former Led Zeppelin singer and lyricist Robert Plant has revealed that there is not actually a stairway to heaven. The eponymous staircase of their 1971 hit “Stairway to Heaven” had served as a ray of hope for the world’s misfits and deviants. An easy way into the higher realm following a life of sacrilegious wrongdoing. That all came to an end when Plant explained that the lyrics were “mostly improvised” and were not based on Plant’s literal witnessing of a woman’s purchasing of a stairway that allows for mortal souls to ascend unobstructed into that mystical utopia ruled by the mighty ruler known as God.
Many feel deceived by Zeppelin’s lack of clarity on the metaphorical nature of the stairway, having lived carefree lives unconscious of their lack of moral thought. Why would they need to think about right and wrong when Zeppelin’s orgasmic progressive rock masterpiece so clearly explained that entrance into heaven only required walking up a flight of stairs. Traversing stairs is already hard enough, but now people will need to put thought into their actions and take other feelings into account if they want to get into the promised land. If God is as stuck up as he sounds with his restrictive morality requirement, he may have a hard time finding people willing to put in the effort to hang out with him.