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Man Dies After Wearing Same Pair of Pants Twice in One Week

Jeans in a clothing store
Meldondsouza, CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

EMPORIA, KS – Last week in an act of unthinkable hubris, Alvin Reese of Emporia attempted to wear the same pair of jeans twice in one week. Alvin had worn the pants to work Monday morning without issue.  However, the pair of 1992 Levi’s hadn’t been so much as soaped when he slipped his legs into their sullied trouser legs on that fateful Thursday morn.  Predictably, the man was dead within the hour, succumb to the foulness of his denim death trap.  While it’s not my place as an unbiased journalist, Alvin will be my nominee for this year’s Darwin Awards.  How stupid can you be?  Alvin was a grown man who chose to risk his life rather than just do some laundry.  While I feel for his family, quite frankly, he got what he deserved.

Alvin’s death is just one in a series of tragedies for the Reese family, coming just weeks after his brother Simon died after sitting down to pee.  Some speculate that he felt a poop coming, but by the time he realized, it was too late. As they say, “a seat without a treat makes you dead meat”.  If only Simon had heeded that axiomatic warning, he might still be with us today.  While both preventable, these deaths are indicative of a larger societal problem.  As we become more reliant on technology, we become less cautious.  For example, a man in the 1950s would have never even considered wearing pants twice without a wash, because his wife would have had to manually place them into hazardous materials hamper following the first use.  In modern society our wives have been replaced with less reliable technology such as cell phones and computers.  Do not surprised if we see more idiotic deaths in Lyon County Kansas during the coming months.