BARNET, VT- A local deer laid down and died today after realizing that existence is futile, and life has no purpose. The three-year-old buck was sauntering through a forest with his family when it occurred to him that he was insignificant and had no ability to affect change in the universe. According to University of Vermont researcher Linda Kaling, the buck is just another victim of a nationwide cervine mental health crisis. “Across the country deer are funneled into a system where they’re expected to do nothing but eat, sleep, and reproduce”.
For deer struggling with issues of their own, Linda suggests taking up a hobby like swimming or gardening. These hobbies are a great way for them to take their mind off the fact that they have no reason to continue living. The university is rolling out a “Pucks for Bucks” program that hopes to get them playing hockey. The program aims to get the deer having fun on the ice and distract them for the fact that there is no higher power and they are just a powerless speck of dust and are the target of no love or affection.