Stanley Lambchop, popularly known as ‘Flat Stanley’, was arrested this morning for possession with intent to distribute 2 kilograms of cocaine. The beloved children’s book character and self-titled ‘thin-as-paper baby maker’ has endured a rocky road after nearly sixty years of standing in the spotlight. Detailed in his self-published novel, Tales From Inside The Envelope, Lambchop’s behavior had become increasing erratic since ending his relationship with former Olympic figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi. In 1994, nearly a year after his Christmas Adventure and more than four years since returning from outer space, Flat Stanley had become tired of his squeaky-clean image and decided to become the ‘Flatty Baddie’.
Sporting a leather jacket, slicked back hair, and an attitude that said ‘your father won’t approve’, Stanley made frequent headlines as the nation’s baddest bad boy. An increase in partying coupled with his newly fluctuating weight culminated in the 1997 New York Times article, “Flat Stanley? More Like Fat Stanley”, leading to the cancellation of further book deals and plans for adventures. Feeling disillusioned, Stanley found himself frequenting the local Catholic church, St. Holy’s House of Goodness, where he would meet the four musicians who would eventually make up the short-lived Christian rock band “Paper Christ”.
After topping the charts with their number one single, “Hop on Board with the Lord”, Paper Christ quickly faded into obscurity after their second single, “Jesus Is My Conductor (Choo Choo!)”. Mixed reviews for the music video, in which the film The Great Train Robbery was simply dubbed over with music and a photoshop of Flat Stanley in a Halloween store Jesus costume, led to the breakup of the band. Once again at a crossroads, Stanley was able to reunite with his friend and author Jeff Brown, for another book and a series of spin-offs. This renewed success came to a halt this morning at the wrap party for his new biopic, If The Post Office Could Talk. Officers were called to the scene after a tip was received that Stanley was attempting to sell illegal substances to the executive producer of the film, Paper Mario. Stanley was overheard telling officers, “I thought it was Splenda”. Lambchop is currently awaiting trial at his home in Calabasas after posting a $100,000 bail.